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You know why dad jokes are so popular? Because they’re terrible… but you can’t help but laugh at them. Well, dads aren’t the only ones capable of telling stinkers, though. We’ve compiled a ton of jokes and puns so horrible and lame they’ll have dad, mom, and the entire household cringing first and laughing second.
RELATED: 160+ Otterly Terrific Kid-Friendly Animal Jokes And Puns Everyone Will Love
Before you dive right in, what separates the good from the bad joke, you wonder? Well, it’s a jest that ends up in a totally different place than it started, has some sort of ultra-obvious ending, or is not mature enough for a grown-up’s palate. And why do we love telling bad jokes? For the eye roll, scoff, or the occasional golden chuckle, of course! Luckily for you, we’ve gone ahead and rounded up the best of the worst bad jokes out there. Dive right in.
Need more bad jokes to brighten your day? We have equally cringeworthy Laffy Taffy jokes, Ikea jokes, and more.
RELATED: 182 Hilarious Jokes For Kids That Adults Find Funny Too
Bad Jokes About Animals
What did the zebra say the first time he saw a piano?
“Dad?”
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they’d be chicken sedans.
How do you get a squirrel to like you?
Act like you’re nuts.
Why don’t dinosaurs talk?
Because they’re dead.
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
“Put it on my bill!”
Why did the monkey fall from the tree?
It was dead.
What’s a cat’s favorite color?
Purr-ple!
Why can’t dinosaurs play basketball?
Because they’re dead.
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
When he asked them to name the world’s best composer, they all said, “Bach bach bach!”
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
“Dam.”
Why did the bee get married?
Because it found its honey!
What do you call birds who stick together?
Vel-crows.
Why did the kangaroo stop drinking coffee?
Because it made him too jumpy!
What kind of dogs love car races?
Lap dogs.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
What do you call a crab that plays baseball?
A pinch hitter.
The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court,
the game would be canceled.
Two fish are in a tank.
One looks to the other and says, “I don’t even know how to drive this thing.”
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Why did the crab refuse to donate to charity?
He’s shellfish.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do bees do if they need a ride?
They wait at the buzz stop.
What kind of pictures do turtles take?
Shelfies.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent.
What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos?
A chipmunk.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
What’s the difference between a piano and a fish?
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
A man walks into a zoo, and the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It’s a shitzu.
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I ever saw!
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One you’ll see later, the other you’ll see in a while.
What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep?
Well, now, all of them.
What’s the easiest way to make a glow worm happy?
Cut off its tail and it’ll be delighted!
Bad Jokes About Food
What did the Buddhist say at the hot dog stand?
“Make me one with everything.”
What did the clock do when it was hungry?
It went back four seconds.
What did one plate say to the other?
“Lunch is on me.”
What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum?
They’re both purple except the rabbit.
What does a martial arts expert drink?
Kara-tea.
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemon aid.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta-way.
Two muffins were sitting in an oven.
One turned to the other and said, “Wow, it’s pretty hot in here.” The other one shouted, “Wow, a talking muffin!”
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
What is fast, loud, and crunchy?
A rocket chip!
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing!
Did you hear about the guy who invented LifeSavers?
They say he made a mint.
What does a nosy pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business!
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
Cashew!
What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?
A chew-chew train.
Why don’t oysters donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
Bad Jokes About Clothing & Accessories
What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?
A shoe.
I went to the store to pick up some camouflage pants,
But I couldn’t find any.
What do you call a person with a briefcase in a tree?
Branch manager.
I bought some cool shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
How do you catch a bra?
With a booby trap.
What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time!
Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?
More than 10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.
Why do cobblers go to heaven?
Because they have good soles.
What is a ninja’s favorite type of shoe?
Sneakers.
What did the man in the orthopedic shoes say?
“I stand corrected.”
Bad Jokes About Body Parts
Why can’t a nose be twelve inches long?
Then it would be a foot.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
How many ears does Spock have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
If you have a bladder infection,
urine trouble.
I had a neck brace fitted years ago,
And I’ve never looked back since.
When’s the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurtie.
Why do you tell actors to break a leg?
Every play has a cast.
I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A Brick.
Why did the nose go to school?
To get “a-head” in life!
Bad Jokes About Family Members
My wife hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What did the drummer call his two twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
What does a baby computer call his father?
Data!
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
A Mississippi.
What do you call a wife who likes to fish?
A reel catch!
Why did the husband bring a pencil to bed?
To draw his own conclusions!
What do we call a crying sister?
A crisis.
Bad Jokes For Halloween
A company is making glass coffins.
It’s clear this might not be a good idea.
Who writes ghost stories?
A ghost writer.
What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
“Graaaaaaaains!”
What type of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
Why are there gates around cemeteries?
People are dying to get in!
Why do ghosts love elevators?
They lift their spirits.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
Bad Jokes About Work
Why did the computer go to work?
It had a byte to eat!
My boss told me to have a good day.
So I went left!
Why did the banker leave finance?
He lost interest!
Why was the math teacher late to work?
She took the rhombus!
Miscellaneous Bad Jokes
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand on its own?
It was two tired.
What’s better than Ted Danson?
Ted Danson and singin’.
RELATED: 100 Anti Jokes If Your Inspiration (Or Humor) Is Running Dry
Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was in tents.
I hate Russian dolls.
They’re so full of themselves.
What do you call a boomerang that never comes back?
A stick.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
“Aye matey!”
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?
Live stream.
What’s Harry Potter’s favorite method of getting down a hill?
Walking… JK, Rolling.
I made a pencil with two erasers.
It was pointless.
What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer?
The space bar.
My friend entered a pun contest.
He entered 10 because he figured one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.
Why are colds such bad robbers?
They’re so easy to catch.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
A satisfactory.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogey in it.
I just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
What is Forrest Gump’s computer password?
1forrest1.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and says, “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
Last night, I dreamed I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What’s at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?
A nervous wreck!
I was sitting in traffic the other day.
It’s probably why I got run over.
Why did the man get fired from his job at the calendar factory?
He took a couple of days off!
There are three types of people in the world.
Those who can count and those who can’t.
I sold my vacuum the other day.
It was just collecting dust.
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
“You’re too young to be smoking.”
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but its flag is a big plus!
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
“Robin, get in the car.”
What did grandpa say before he kicked the bucket?
“Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?
If they fell forward, they’d still be on the boat.
Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks to the other and says, “Glub glub glub glub glub.”
When is your door not actually a door?
When it’s actually ajar.
I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation.
Never again.
What’s red and shaped like a bucket?
A blue bucket painted red.
What did the mime say to his audience?
Nothing. He’s a consummate professional.
A communist joke isn’t funny unless everyone gets it.
My new thesaurus is terrible.
Not only that, but it’s also terrible.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
What’s a dentist’s favorite musical instrument?
A tuba toothpaste.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion!
Two guys walk into a bar.
The third guy ducks.
What do you call the security guards outside the Samsung factory?
The Guardians of the Galaxy.
What happens when a clown farts?
It smells funny.
Wanna hear a funny joke about paper?
Never mind, it’s wearable.
Where did the computer go dancing?
The disc-o!
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
Why are math books always sad?
Because they are filled with problems.
What did the custodian say when he jumped out of the closet?
“Supplies!”
What do you call a factory that sells generally decent goods?
A satisfactory.
How did Ebenezer Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!
If you’re American, when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you’re in the bathroom?
European.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock, knock joke?
He won the “no-bell” prize.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, “What’s your favorite type of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Why did the teacher make nothing but bad chemistry jokes?
All the good ones argon.
What’s the most groundbreaking invention of all time?
The shovel.
Who built King Arthur’s Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
Why did the bike fall over?
It was two tired.
I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
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