I truly believe all fights have been brewing under the surface, whether we feel it or not — especially when it comes to a fight with your partner. Those things don’t generally pop up out of nowhere, and even the silliest fight (like arguing over putting the dishes in the dishwasher the wrong way) can stem from something bigger, like feeling unappreciated or anxiety or whatever. No matter how the fight starts or how long it lasts, though, there’s always that moment when it’s over and you realize you need to say something: an apology, a funny quip to clear the air, something to get you back on your standard relationship footing so that you can both feel good.

Now, clearly, you know when a fight has gone too far. If your argument got downright nasty or mean — name-calling, purposely hitting topics that make your partner feel insecure, refusing to validate their feelings — you need to do more than send a text.

“While I tell all my couples that disagreements are normal and expected parts of relationships, there are definitely right and wrong ways to fight and right and wrong ways to recover from a fight,” Caroline Hogeveen, licensed marriage therapist and mental health counselor, tells Scary Mommy. “If there is tension because you said hurtful things you regret or heard hurtful things you’re having trouble shaking, that’s a sign that you may need to work on your conflict management.”

When it comes to recovering, Hogeveen notes that the tension after a fight can come from feeling misunderstood or minimized, which is something you need to work on together when you decide to address the feelings with each other.

“I encourage my clients to accept that there are always two valid and very real realities in an argument, and recovering from conflict often involves both parties sharing and hearing each reality, validating it — and asking questions if necessary — and acknowledging the role you played in the conflict. When you can debrief like this after a fight while remaining calm and avoiding defensiveness, you can hopefully alleviate that tension,” Hogeveen says. “In fact, you can end up in a better place than you started if you truly try to understand each side and accept responsibility where needed.”

The Logistics of Texting Your Partner Post-Fight

These texts for your partner after a fight are for those who came to some kind of resolution… even if the resolution was simply “There is no resolution yet, and we need to drop this for now.”

Wondering what to text? Hogeveen says it really, really depends.

You know your partner. You know your relationship. You should know by now that if you just had a big ol’ fight, they may not be ready for you to send some stupid little meme as an apology. “I try to avoid blanket statements because all couples are so unique, but I have yet to see a scenario when it’s best to pretend the fight never happened or to simply change the subject. Ruptures are inevitable in a relationship, but there is so much value in taking time to repair and to repair well,” Hogeveen says.

If you want to say something funny, Hogeveen suggests truly thinking about the joke, especially “the content and delivery. If you’re going to use jokes as a repair technique, you need to be extra careful not to insult your partner — intentionally or unintentionally — and downplay or minimize their very real emotions about the fight. Humor can absolutely break the ice and de-escalate, but only if you’re laughing together and not at each other.”

But if you want to send something that you know will work, Hogeveen says you can’t go wrong with a genuine, heartfelt apology. “This does not mean empty words or a throwaway ‘Sorry!’ for the purpose of sweeping something under the rug. If you’ve taken time to calm down physically and emotionally and see places where you messed up during the fight, an honest apology is a beautiful thing. At the end of the day, everyone has moments where they say the wrong thing, overreact, or put their foot in their mouth, but taking accountability for those moments is key.”

So, take a deep breath, consider the fight and how it left both of you feeling, and then send your partner one of these texts.

Genuine Texts to Send Your Partner After a Fight

• I really am sorry, and I hope you know how much I appreciate you.
• I love you. I’m on your team, always.
• I know fights happen, but I still don’t like them. I’m sorry.
• Do you want to get ice cream after dinner tonight and talk about that fight?
• Can we take a walk when I get home and just reset?
• I’m sorry you didn’t feel heard earlier today. I promise to try harder.
• I am so sorry. I never want to fight with you.
• We can talk more whenever you’re ready. I just want to tell you I’m sorry.
• I really appreciate how you kept our disagreement from being hurtful.
• Thank you for validating my feelings.
• I am looking forward to being with you tonight.
• I can’t wait to see you. I really am so sorry about earlier.
• I understand you may still be hurt. I just want to say again how sorry I am.

Funny Texts to Send Your Partner After a Fight

• Was that argument like a forest fire that made everything a little easier to grow, or do we need to keep lighting some matches?
• So… how was that for you?
• I’m looking forward to our make-up sex.
• Let me know when you’re ready for funny memes from me. I really am sorry.
• I feel so bad about our fight that I’ll let you pick the show tonight.
• What do you want for dinner? The least I can do is order some Chinese food or something.
• Hello? Is this phone number open to receiving text messages from me yet?
• You know, we probably wouldn’t have to fight if you’d just let my fragile ego be the star of the show once in a while. I’m so sorry.
• So, I guess it’s not a good time to ask if I can play video games tonight?

No matter what, just remember that the fight happened for a reason — and addressing that reason instead of focusing on what the fight was actually about will keep everyone feeling safe, happy, and heard in your relationship. Send a text, say you’re sorry, and learn from it.