“My child’s grandparents just don’t seem to care about having a relationship with her. They didn’t even acknowledge her birthday.” As a ‘granfluencer’ — I’m on Instagram as @morethangrand, writing about grandparenting — that’s one of the many messages I’ve gotten from disappointed parents in my Instagram DMs.

This is a very, very raw subject for a lot of people. We all tend to have an idealized picture of what a family looks like, and doting grandparents are often part of that fantasy. Unfortunately, real life doesn’t issue doting grandparents to every family. For families who have grandparents with no interest at all in their grandchildren, the stereotype of the overindulgent, interfering grandparent can feel like a slap in the face.

When all your friends complain about their parents showing up unannounced with an armful of gifts, it’s hard to complain that you wish your parents would at least show up. You worry that your kids will be hurt that their grandparents don’t seem to care about them. I’d like to offer a little background on why some grandparents are reluctant — and some advice about what to do.

Why some people don’t want to be involved grandparents

Keep in mind that just as not everyone wants to be a parent, not everyone wants to be a grandparent. The difference is that you usually have control over when and if you become a parent. Grandparents don’t have any say in whether they’ll be handed that role, and there are all sorts of reasons they may not be interested in it. I’m not suggesting that any of this is easy to hear, or that you have to feel happy about it. I just want to offer a little context.

Some of the grandparents I know have expressed that they can’t handle the idea of being old enough to be a grandparent. Or they simply have a life that is full enough with work, friends, hobbies, and travel. Perhaps after decades of putting other people first, they are enjoying being selfish for the first time.

They also may not enjoy being around your children. It could be because they’ve gotten out of the habit of interacting with kids and don’t know how to enjoy it. Or maybe they’ve never enjoyed hanging out with children. Their attitude may change as the kids — and the grandparents — get older.

Some grandparents find it difficult to spend time with your family because they don’t agree with your parenting style. If you are stricter or more lenient parents than they were, it can be hard to enjoy being together. They may choose to keep their distance rather than express their discomfort or criticize you.

The only way to really know why someone is an uninvolved grandparent is to ask them. But should you ask?

This sort of conversation can be tricky, but honest communication is the key to understanding one another. Think carefully about what you’re hoping to gain from talking to your parents about their role as grandparents. If you go into a conversation expecting to convince them to be more involved, you are likely to be disappointed. But if you go in with a genuine curiosity about how they feel about being grandparents, your interest in their experience and opinion may lead to a better relationship.

What to do if you feel like your kids are missing out

Yes, grandparents can add a lot to a child’s life, but so can any adult who loves your child and wants to be part of their life. Your close friends can be as doting as a grandparent, and are often more willing to get down on the floor and play. Your mom and dad may not be there for your kids, but your aunt or uncle might jump at the chance to fill the grandparent role.

Look for surrogate grandparents in other areas of your life. The retired couple across the street? Invite them for a barbecue and see if they enjoy the kids. Your co-worker whose grandkids live in another country? Ask her if she’d be willing to come to Grandparent’s Day at your kid’s school. That cheerful older gent at the gym? Get to know him and invite him into your life.

If you don’t know anyone who you want to approach, don’t despair. Ask a local senior center or 55+ community if you can put a “Cute Kids Seeking Grandparents” notice in their newsletter or on the bulletin board. Or join the growing Surrogate Grandparents of North America Facebook group, and look for a connection there.

What if your kids notice that all their friends have involved grandparents and ask why they don’t? Resist the temptation to bad-mouth the grandparents. Things may change in the future, and you don’t want to poison a potential relationship.

You don’t need to make excuses for them, or even try to explain why they aren’t more present. Answer with honesty: “Every family is different! Some people have grandparents who spend a lot of time with them, and some don’t. We’ve got Aunt Sarah and Mr. Jim and Miss Nancy to spend time with you!” You’ll be teaching your children something important: the families we make can be just as fulfilling as the ones we envisioned.

DeeDee Moore founded More Than Grand as a way to share inspiration and resources for grandparents who understand the importance of their new role. On the More Than Grand blog and social media, DeeDee creates a bridge from parent to grandparent, covering topics such as concrete ways to help new parents, understanding new trends in child care, and meaningful ways to connect with your grandchildren. Visit MoreThanGrand.com or look for @morethangrand on your favorite social media.