I hate how the term “self-care” has become synonymous with hotel sleepovers, weekend getaways, and spa afternoons. Few things overwhelm me more than the idea that, as a full-time working mom of three kids, I also need to figure out some “self-care” time. Until I realized that “self-care” really isn’t that complicated — caring for yourself is the actual definition, and for me, that doesn’t mean manicures or solo dinners in restaurants. It means finally making my own bedtime routine.

Not that there’s anything wrong with manicures or solo dinners or weekend getaways. If you can have those moments and want those moments, by all means, get it, bestie. But I don’t think I’m alone in sharing that the idea of figuring out “self-care” and following all these rules — like those influencer reels that go viral every so often claiming that taking a shower isn’t self-care (it is) — makes me itchy. It takes out any potential relaxation or joy for me, and it immediately feels like a task. Another thing to add to my list. A chore that I don’t know how to do. And in the end, I find myself feeling just as foggy and blah as I did before.

Self-care is exactly what it says: caring for yourself. So yes, a long hot shower where I get a chance to shave and deep condition my hair? That is self-care. Listening to a podcast I’ve been dying to hear while I do the dishes after my kids are in bed? Self-care. Creating a bedtime routine so I can wind down and give myself the grace I give my children in the last remaining hours of the day? Self-effing-care.

I’m 36 with three girls — ages 10, 5, and 2. Our life is busy, fulfilling, joyful — it’s all just a lot. I work from home with my toddler, which means pretty much my entire day is a multi-tasking whirlwind. (I mean, that’s every mom’s life, right?) And I found that as the day drew to a close, I was hyper-focused on making sure my girls felt good at the end of the day: a family dinner around the table where we talked about the highs and lows of our days, baths where I played with them, bedtime stories and cuddles in fresh pajamas, picking up their room as we tucked them in so they felt cozy and safe, bringing them fresh glasses of water and finding their book lights so they could read under the covers. The sort of sitcom family ending you want for your kids.

And then I realized I deserved some of that, too.

“Routines make children feel safe,” Maryann Davis, a family counselor in Georgia, tells me over the phone. “A bedtime routine really finishes the day off and gives them a chance to let go of the day and sort of tuck it in, too. Then they can wake up refreshed. Bedtime stories, baths, cuddles, all of these parts of a bedtime routine make a child feel comforted and loved. It makes sense why an adult would find comfort in those things, too.”

Until recently, my idea of a bedtime routine was coming downstairs and trying to finish my to-do list before morning. But over the years, I’ve realized I am no good past 9:00 p.m. I can barely muster the energy to clean up the kitchen from dinner, let alone finish a giant to-do list, catch up on work, and fold and put away eight loads of laundry.

What ended up happening was the harder I tried to be productive after my kids went to bed, the more I failed completely. Instead of getting even one thing done, I’d get zero things done, and I’d end up languishing on the couch, staring at my phone, until it was nearly midnight. Then I’d go upstairs, put pajamas on, and collapse into bed.

And if you guessed that meant I woke up in the mornings feeling fairly blah, you’d be right.

I work out during the day; I try to eat well; I stay busy playing with my girls and working hard and filling up all the buckets I’m supposed to. But at the end of the day, none of that matters if I just let myself crash and burn like an old candle. I needed to figure out a routine that worked for me at night so I could put an actual end to my day, and not let it continue to spiral like a spool of ribbon.

So, if you’re looking for a bedtime routine, here’s how to start:

Identify why you need a bedtime routine.

What is it about bedtime that hasn’t felt good to you? Is it that you’re just passing out on the couch? Is it that you go upstairs in a doom-scroll-zombie state and fall into bed? Whatever it is that makes you wish you could be put to bed by your own parent, identify it. From there, you can figure out what you need in your bedtime routine to make it work for you.

Give yourself a bedtime.

This is a non-negotiable. If you try to play the “Oh, I’ll just go to bed when I’m tired” game, you’ll wake up in the recliner at 3 a.m. feeling worse than ever. Be honest with yourself. If you know you can’t go to bed at 9 p.m., don’t make that your bedtime. You can give yourself a little wiggle room — in bed between 10 and 10:30 p.m. works for me. But that means once you have your bedtime routine planned out, you need to time it so that you’re in bed at your bedtime. That might mean saying no to another episode of The Bear and heading to your bedroom at 9:45 so you can brush your teeth and do your stretches. It’s discipline, and it’s hard, and that’s why you have to work at self-care.

Prioritize what feels good for you, not what you think *should* be part of your routine.

If you like scrolling your phone before bed, then do it. If you want to fall asleep to an episode of Friends, go for it. If you want to keep makeup remover wipes in your nightstand so you can just wipe your face while you’re already on your pillow, that’s perfect. The idea is to figure out what works for you and what makes you feel good before falling asleep. There are no strict rules here, and all of the “no screentime before bed, read a book, do a 10-step skincare routine every night” will only make you want to go back to vegging on the couch until you pass out.

Davis says that the problem with routines is so many people feel like they have to go fully in — it’s either all or nothing. “If you prefer showering in the morning, why would you stress yourself out trying to make that a nighttime thing? Just do what feels right for you. Maybe some light stretches in bed. Maybe some meditation. Maybe you just need to pull back the covers and get in bed at the same time every night. A routine is just a routine, and what you do in that routine is up to you,” she says.

Don’t count household chores as part of the bedtime routine.

This one was huge for me. I had to separate the two things because, otherwise, I’d find myself trying to vacuum at 11 p.m. and not giving myself any rest or finishing the to-do list I was so obsessed with. Keep your household chores or things like “make kids’ lunches” as part of a different routine. This is about winding down. The bedtime routine should be a list of things you can do each night to move you from “busy day, busy life” into “time to rest and prepare for another busy day, busy life.”

The bedtime routine shouldn’t be an extension of your to-do list or crazy day; it’s meant to be the calming period. You don’t include your kid’s homework or soccer practice as part of their bedtime routine, right? So just make this about you.

Keep it short and simple.

Heed my warning: Don’t try to make your bedtime routine something unattainable. The idea is that you can be consistent with this — that you can make it a routine and do it every single night, even if you aren’t at home. It shouldn’t take more than an hour, and it could just be 15 minutes if you want.

But don’t let the TikTok algorithm get you… you don’t have to do a 30-minute skincare routine, 20 minutes of stretching, and 45 minutes of gratitude journaling in order to go to bed. And if you find that there are several things that sound good to you for the end of the day, try breaking them up a bit. Maybe journal once you’re in bed and set a timer for 10 minutes so you don’t feel overwhelmed, or keep most of your skincare routine to the mornings and just do one or two steps at night.

Be patient with yourself. Give yourself a week or two to get into the hang of things.

Maybe you realize that your bedtime routine needs to be an alarm at 9:30 every night to remind you to go brush your teeth, wash your face, and get into bed with the TV on. Maybe you’re finding that you prefer to start your routine as soon as your kids go to bed and luxuriously lean into bedtime. Or maybe you know yourself, and promising you’ll go upstairs at 11 every night, stop scrolling, and be in bed by 11:15 is enough.

You’ll find your rhythm, and once you do, you’ll wonder what the hell took you so long to come up with your own bedtime routine.