I don’t mind watching bad movies as long as they have a good story to tell. But when you have an excellent cast, it gets even more exciting because at least there’s some hope. However, if you mix a good cast with a terrible story, an unwatchable concept, and an awful execution, what do you get? A disaster. And believe me, Rumours is worse than that.

Let’s start with the basics: I’m not even sure if I can tell you what Guy Maddin, Evan Johnson, and Galen Johnson’s film is about. Frankly, it took me weeks just to come up with this line alone as the only polite way to describe the ordeal I had to endure. Trying to make sense of Rumours is like trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube while blindfolded – impossible and headache-inducing.

Cate Blanchett, in what I can only assume was an attempt to challenge herself, plays the German chancellor in this absurd satire of a G7 world leaders’ meeting gone haywire. And by haywire, I mean straight off the cliff into the abyss of ridiculousness. She’s joined by a strong ensemble cast that’s criminally wasted in this cinematic mess.

The film is meant to be a satire, but the only thing it manages to mock is the audience’s intelligence. The leaders of the G7 are so hopelessly lost that they don’t even realize they’ve been abandoned by their aides. Instead of a sharp political commentary, we’re left with a confusing mishmash of scenes that make The Room look like an Oscar contender. And can someone please explain who those creatures were, the ones apparently masturbating all the time? Because if that was meant to be a metaphor, it flew so far over my head that it’s probably in orbit.

In what feels like an eternity, the movie stumbles through absurd scenes filled with glowing brains, bog people, and a hodgepodge of other nonsensical oddities. It’s partly filmed in black and white, which I assume is meant to add some artistic flair, but instead just adds to the confusion. And the fact that some of this was filmed in Winnipeg and Hungary? I suppose that’s supposed to be interesting, but really, it’s just another baffling detail in an already baffling movie.

The main takeaway here? Politicians can’t write a speech without their speechwriter, and apparently, filmmakers shouldn’t try to make a movie without a coherent script. Rumours is a film that should have stayed just that – a rumor, never to be seen, never to be watched, and certainly never to be believed.

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