When it comes to sensitive parenting topics, few are as sticky as sleepovers. Every parent — and every child, for that matter — has their own comfort level around sleepovers, whether you’re the host or you’re sending your kid off for a fun night at a friend’s house.

So, when it comes to bathing at sleepovers, what’s the etiquette here? Should parents be expecting their child to get a bath at someone else’s house, or no? What about if the kids go swimming or play outside and get a little bit filthy? Or if the sleepover extends to a second night? And what if you find out after the fact that another parent gave your kid a bath at a sleepover?

With so many questions, you’re probably wondering how to navigate this parenting minefield. No sweat, because two psychologists are here to help.

Bodily Autonomy And Boundaries

Teaching kids about bodily autonomy — discussing boundaries and the importance of body safety — is important, and shame-free conversations should happen early and often. You should encourage your child to come to you with any questions or concerns they might have, fostering open communication with no fear of repercussions or punishment.

The same goes for children who might be staying at your house, but comfort and boundaries go both ways, as licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Tasha Brown tells Scary Mommy.

“Generally, I would advise parents of young children who are attending sleepovers to bathe their children prior to the sleepover and send their child with appropriate clothing to change when needed,” says Brown, the director and founder of TMB Psychological Services, PLLC. “I would also advise parents not to expect that their child will receive a bath at a sleepover. If parents are hosting a sleepover, they should communicate clearly to the other parents that they will not be bathing children in attendance.”

Reena B. Patel, BCBA, board-certified behavioral analyst and positive psychologist, agrees, adding, “Be honest and share that your child would prefer to bathe at home after the sleepover. Set sleepover rules — if your child at any point is uncomfortable, they should be able to reach out to you and come home if they prefer.”

Setting Sleepover Rules

Having a conversation with the other parents before a sleepover — as well as communicating with kids throughout — is key, says Brown. “If parents do not feel comfortable with their child bathing at a sleepover, that should be clearly communicated with the host prior to the event. Parents should also give their child the language to let the host know they would not like a bath.”

“If a child is sleeping over, you would want to ask what their nighttime routine is and comfort and independence level when it comes to self-care,” adds Patel. “You also want to know if there are older siblings and any other adults that will be at the house. You want to set sleepover rules and expectations that your child knows as well. It’s important for not only your child to know these rules and expectations but also the child’s friends’ parents. This should absolutely be an open conversation before the sleepover to make sure everyone is comfortable and aware.”

Both pros agree that when it comes to extenuating circumstances — e.g., getting a little dirty or sweaty, swimming, or even an extended slumber party — another conversation between parents should be had.

“In cases where the child becomes extremely dirty during the sleepover, I advise that the child’s parents be called and instructions be given from the parent on how to manage the situation,” says Brown.

Patel recommends packing some baby or body wipes and a washcloth or towel in your kid’s bag, which can help mitigate the need for a full bath anyway. After a swim, “they can also rinse off with a hose outside or if they don’t feel comfortable showering, then can do a quick rinse with their swimsuits on.”

The last thing any parent wants is for a child to feel uncomfortable in their care or for their own children to feel concerned about their safety or privacy. As with so many parenting concerns, having a quick chat can help alleviate anxiety so your kid can focus on, well, just being a kid.