Earlier this year, we welcomed our second baby boy. After an attempted VBAC (and intense labor), he arrived much like his older brother: via Cesarian. Despite their similar entrances, my fourth trimester has unfolded quite differently. In part, it’s not March 2020—nor, is it our first newborn rodeo. Regardless, I can confidently say that journeying through postpartum recovery is a winding path. It’s complex and deeply personal. And postpartum sex? That’s taken on a whole new meaning.

If you’re reading this because you’re wondering if you’ll ever feel like yourself again—or when your sex drive will come back—you’re not alone. While some might consider this a delicate topic, we’re diving into what you need to know about sex after pregnancy. Rest assured, there’s no need to rush playtime in the bedroom.

The Physical Recovery Process

From one mama to another, healing from birth—physically and emotionally—is messy and nuanced. But generally speaking, the initial physical recovery takes 6-8 weeks. Moderate-to-heavy bleeding is normal (known as lochia). If you delivered vaginally, you’ll probably have perineal pain and/or stitches. Around one month postpartum, bleeding lessons.

Fast-forward to eight weeks postpartum: your belly will still look and feel different (especially if you have diastis recti, like me!), but your uterus should be back to its pre-pregnancy size. At any rate, recovery is gradual. During this time, sex is likely the last thing on your mind.

How long should you wait to have sex?

By and large, it’s recommended to wait until after you’ve had your postpartum check-up to resume sexual activity. This occurs around six weeks post-delivery. You’ll want to take the following into account:

1. Physical healing: Delivery specifics aside, your body needs time to mend. This includes recovery of the perineum or surgical incision.
2. Bleeding: Lochia—as mentioned—can last several weeks. You’ll want to wait until this bleeding has stopped to reduce the risk of infection.
3. Comfort and readiness: Of course, both physical and emotional readiness are incredibly important. Hormonal changes, fatigue, and the demands of caring for a newborn can affect your desire and comfort with resuming sex.

Consult with your healthcare provider to discuss any postpartum concerns and get personalized advice.

When does your sex drive come back during postpartum?

For me, eight weeks postpartum was simply a milestone for basic recovery—not a green light to jump back into intimacy. Between managing newborn care, sleep deprivation, and tenderness at my incision, the idea of having sex wasn’t in my periphery (for many months). If you’re wondering when your sex drive will come back, it may take a while! And that’s more than okay. Factors that influence your postpartum libido include:

Physical recovery

• Healing time: As mentioned, it takes about 6-8 weeks for the body to heal after childbirth—but this can vary depending on the type of delivery and any complications.
• Breastfeeding: Breastfeeding lowers estrogen levels, which might decrease vaginal lubrication and sex drive.

Hormonal changes

• Hormone fluctuations: Hormones (estrogen and progesterone) drop significantly after childbirth, which impacts libido. These levels usually start to stabilize over the first few months postpartum.

Emotional and psychological factors

• Stress and fatigue: Caring for a newborn is exhausting and stressful. Inevitably, this will affect your desire for sex.
• Body image: Changes in body image and self-esteem after childbirth also influence sexual desire.
• Mental health: Last but not least, postpartum depression and anxiety significantly impact libido.

Individual variations

• Personal differences: Some may find their sex drive return within a few weeks, while for others (many of us!), it might take several months or longer.

Be Patient With Yourself

Becoming a mother is a profound transformation. In a literal moment, your identity shifts to the primary caregiver of a tiny human—who depends on you for everything. Inevitably, this affects how you see yourself sexually. My best advice? Be patient with yourself. The art of feeling comfortable in your skin is an ever-evolving practice (particularly after pregnancy). It took over a year—with my first baby—for my libido to resurface. Fortunately, my husband provided unwavering support, giving me the time I needed to recover before resuming intimacy.

Communication Is Key

Don’t shy away from communicating your feelings, fears, and (fluctuating) needs. It will benefit both of you. Best of all, it will inspire new ways to connect—emotionally and physically. Speaking of connection, remember that intimacy isn’t just about sex. It’s about support, respect, and honing in on each other’s love language. Simple acts (holding hands, a long hug, etc.) can strengthen your bond and pave the way for a return to sexual intimacy… when you’re both ready.

Does sex feel different for my partner after giving birth?

Most likely, yes. Several factors can contribute to these changes:

• The vagina undergoes significant changes during childbirth. It can be more relaxed and might feel different to both partners. Over time, the vaginal muscles can regain some tone, especially with exercises, like Kegels.
• If you experienced tearing or had an episiotomy, scar tissue might affect sensation and comfort for both you and your partner.
• As previously mentioned, postpartum hormonal fluctuations can affect vaginal lubrication, which might make intercourse feel different. Using a lubricant can help.

The first time you have sex—after a C-section—may not feel very good! Along with vaginal lubricants, your doctor can suggest certain sex positions to help.

Normalizing the Absence of a Sex Drive

If you take away one piece of guidance from this read, let it be this: it’s okay to not feel ready. One of the most important things to understand is that an absent sex drive—for an extended period after giving birth—is normal. For some women, it can take months or even longer to feel that desire again! This doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or your relationship. Rather than compare your intimacy timeline with your other mama friends, give yourself grace.

When to Seek Help

If you’re concerned about your lack of sex drive (or if it’s causing significant distress in your relationship), consider talking to a healthcare professional. Ideally, a therapist who specializes in postpartum conditions. They can provide guidance, check for any underlying issues, and suggest solutions.

If sex is physically uncomfortable or painful, don’t hesitate to discuss this with your doctor. There might be medical solutions to help, such as pelvic floor therapy or hormone treatments.

Can breastfeeding impact your sex drive?

Yes—significantly. The hormones involved in breastfeeding (prolactin and oxytocin), can suppress ovulation and lower estrogen levels. This often leads to vaginal dryness and a reduced libido. Anecdotally, I found this to be true when I breastfed my first baby. My body was entirely focused on nurturing my son, and my sex drive took a back seat. Using lubricants can help with dryness, but it’s essential to communicate with your partner about how you’re feeling. If you’re not ready, that’s more than okay! The focus should be on mutual understanding and patience.

Tips for Managing Postpartum Libido

If you’re itching to get this show on the road, there are ways to support your postpartum sex drive.

• Have open, honest conversations with your partner.
• Focus on foods that increase libido.
• Engage in regular physical activity (for a boost of endorphins).
• Explore new ways to feel sexy! Feeling good about your body positively influences your libido. Treat yourself to new lingerie, pamper yourself, or engage in activities that make you feel confident and attractive.
• Set realistic expectations. Focus on gradual improvements and celebrate small milestones in your journey back to intimacy.

Embracing Your New Normal

For most, returning to sex after pregnancy is a long-winded journey. For me, it was a process that required patience, communication, and self-compassion. Ultimately, it’s essential to prioritize your well-being and to move at a pace that’s comfortable for you. Remember, it’s okay to not feel ready, and it’s okay to seek help if you need it! Your body has undergone a remarkable transformation, and it deserves all the time it needs to feel like yours again.