I don’t know about you, but there is a clear line in my brain between elementary and middle school. Even though I went to a tiny hippie school in the middle of a Northern California forest, the expectations, curriculum (hello, awkward sex ed), and relationships with my peers seem to have had a clear marker of before and after. Between the increase in homework and an uptick in body odor, it’s easy to say middle school is all about changes.

Before my son started middle school, we were talking with a girl he’d gone to school with who was a grade older. I asked her how middle school was, and she said, “The halls are really crowded and reek of Axe body spray.” She might have just described every middle school in America.

Taking the leap from elementary to middle school can be nerve-racking for kids and parents. Back-to-school anxiety is a real thing: On top of all of the ordinary stressors (will my kid get lost/picked on/forget to eat/be late/etc.), today’s parents have some very legit fears — the threat of school shootings, intense online bullying, sexting, and a younger-than-ever suicide rate, to name a few.

Trying to navigate this tricky transition without making it harder on our kids is not easy, but it can be done. One of the best ways to deal with our own anxiety and fears about this transition is by helping our children. Their anxiety is our anxiety, and the more confidence we can give them, the better we as parents will be.

Try Not to Sweep It All Away

Having said that, it’s important as parents that we remember the goal is not to “get rid” of anxiety. It is to help normalize fears and concerns, acknowledge feelings, and give your kids a safe place to talk about them. JustAnswer mental health expert and licensed clinical social worker Jennifer Kelman reminds us that back-to-school anxiety is very normal and that parents should be mindful of the urge to swoop in and take care of any concerns.

“Acknowledge the feelings your child is having and, as best you can, listen with an empathic ear without rushing in to solve things,” she tells us. “Parents may have the urge to reassure and remind them that they will be OK, but often that doesn’t help things as the child just wants to be heard and understood.”

Kelman says because middle school is a time of growth for students with changing social situations, it can be hard on parents to see their child struggle. “As best you can, let your child know you are there for them to support and listen. The urge may be to rush in and solve things, but they will grow more as they navigate any challenges that come their way.”

Naturally, if your child is showing distress, parents should be aware of signs of increased anxiety, depression, and isolation as the year progresses. Because kids at this age tend to be less open to sharing their feelings, parents must try to be there for them without judgment.

Her biggest tip for parents trying not to freak out (and freak their kids out)? “We do our best to keep our kids safe from harm, whether it be from social media or the social situation at school, but at the same time, a little trust can go a long way. So, loosening the grip a bit, while tough at times, may be helpful for the growth of the child and the growth of your relationship.”

Managing All That Space

One of the biggest changes kids can experience in the traditional elementary-to-middle school transition, in addition to the size of the school increasing, is the constant shifting of classrooms. My son went from being in one contained classroom with occasional library and gym trips to being in eight different classrooms in one given day. Some of the classes are on rotation, so two of those eight classrooms were different. That’s 10 different classrooms in a given week.

I asked Katelyn Miskevics, licensed marriage and family therapist at LifeStance Health, how parents can help kids prepare for this need to manage a lot more physical space. “I recommend validating any fears or concerns that may come up while encouraging your child to also look at the benefits that may come with a larger school or classroom setting,” she told me. “For example, transitioning to middle school could mean increased independence and can offer the opportunity to practice new skills, such as navigation and time management. Rewarding your child for taking on these new skills can create a positive incentive to be brave.”

This makes a lot of sense to me. When my son started middle school, I reminded him that he had expressed boredom toward the end of his 5th-grade year, being in the same classroom with all the same kids. Middle school would not have that issue, so we tried to turn the concerns over navigating a massive school into a positive.

“Think of moving to a new classroom setting as a chance to feel new energy, which can be exciting!” Miskevics says. “Remind your child that as they grow and continue to develop, their spaces may grow too.”

She also had some advice to offer kids nervous about navigating their new schedules, making their way around the school, and making it to class on time. Her tips include encouraging your child to:

• Think of a past situation in which they felt nervous or unfamiliar with something or someone. Talk about how they worked through this.
• Remind your child that everyone will be in the same boat and to ask questions. Most teachers understand that the first few weeks are a big learning curve, and other students share their concerns and anxiety.
• Try role-playing different conversations and scenarios at home with them to encourage kids to speak up and ask for help. Be silly about it. Remember, tweens are still kids!
• Pay a visit to the school campus before it starts and walk around, helping them get more familiar with the setting.

While we as parents want to encourage our kids to step up and take personal responsibility, we also need to give them an emotional break when they aren’t in school. Miskevics suggests parents try to make the organization as fun as possible for kids by letting them pick out school supplies, a planner, etc. Keep a bin at home where kids can place important papers so there’s no stress trying to locate them when needed. Make it as easy on them (and you) as possible.

Peer Pressure

Timothy Jeider, MD, an expert in child and adolescent psychiatry for Nevada Mental Health, tells us, “[Middle school] is when children are moving into the early teen years, which are riddled with challenging social and peer pressures. It might seem counterintuitive, but the pursuit of finding one’s personal identity is often done in the context of a social circle.” This means outside influences, such as social media and their peers, can significantly influence their identity.

“Keep in mind it is perfectly normal and natural to ‘try on’ numerous personas during this stage of development,” Dr. Jeider assures us. “As a parent, you can best help your child in this difficult time by being a mentor. Leading by example is a great way to do this, but also, be sure you are actively making yourself available and accessible to your child. Check in and ask questions. It’s not an interrogation; it’s a conversation and opportunity to lead.”

Jennifer Kelman adds, “If you are open with your child about your boundaries around device and social media use, then trust is established. Be clear about your rules and how you will monitor things.” She reminds us that kids at this age think they can keep themselves safe, but adults need to let kids know that while you trust them, you will still be keeping tabs on things. She advises against giving free rein, especially with social media accounts. “Start slowly and keep the social media accounts to a minimum with a clear understanding of how you will be monitoring those apps.”

Other Pointers & Tips

As a mother who has gone through this big transition, and with another school year fast approaching, here are a few things that helped us.

• Go to the school a couple of times in the summer for a casual walk around the outside. You don’t have to go into the building; just get more familiar with the space. Bring a frisbee to throw on the field or something to help your kids connect a positive memory with the new place.
• Take a first-day picture at home. Getting your 6th grader to pose by the school sign is going to cause more mayhem than you think. They’ll feel put on the spot, plus drop-off moves along at a different pace for middle schoolers. If they take the bus, snap that photo long before the bus pulls up.
• Assume they don’t want you to walk them to the door. Or hold your hand.
• It’s OK to cry in the shower after you drop them off or they leave. It’s a big milestone, and your kids are not getting any younger — there’s a certain mourning for the younger days that happens with any transition. It’s normal; you’re a good parent. Cry it out!

And remember, with this massive jump to middle school comes many incredible things. While you may have significantly less artwork crowding your fridge, you will have new anecdotes about history and science you have long since forgotten you knew anything about. Their sense of humor and wit will develop even more and wow you every day. They will become little shadows of their adult selves, and it is fascinating.

Just like other parenting milestones, you’ll have to switch tactics on the regular, but I promise it will be OK. It might even be wonderful.